🔗 Share this article

Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It annoys my close ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that counseling might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and anxiety.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.